Over 40 mama — Adventures in poop, patience, and first-time parenthood

Parental Differences: #1 in a series
July 21, 2008, 9:34 pm
Filed under: parenthood, sleep, Uncategorized

How do other parents out there deal with it when you and your partner have big differences of opinion on issues of child rearing?

It seems C and I are back in Square One with the issue of sleep and overstimulation. Neither of us have good filter for what’s going on with R because we’re so busy being polarized in our beliefs…


4 Comments so far
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Well, historically I’ve played the “I have the vagina so I get to make the rules” card, but I realize that does not work for everyone (often including me.)

If memory serves me right, we’d try it different ways to see what worked best. More correctly, I’d say “Then *you’re* on duty in the morning if you’re gonna keep her up that late!” or something equally grumpy and less than helpful. Eventually someone would be proven more correct and someone would see that there wat way just causing problems and there’d finally be some unity. Sometimes this was quick and obvious, and sometmes it would take a long time to become apparent as to what was the better choice.

I’ll admit Husband and I weren’t great about stuff like this – he’d sometimes be kind of oblivious or stubborn and I’d sometimes play the martyr role and get resentful – but I think on some level its normal. Neither of you have done this before and all of this territory is new. That, and all kids are different *and* R is going to react differently often to completely identical situations, so its not like she’s giving you constant feedback either.

I’m kind of curious to hear what the problem is. If you wanna ping me off-blog, I’ll be happy to give you more specific and opinionated advice in private. 🙂

Comment by mama pajama

hmm. not to get into the middle of anything, but i think mostly we were so focused on getting snapper to sleep that we didn’t worry so much about what style we were adhering to and we were just trying to figure out what actually worked. at the end of the day, both of us were so happy to find something we could do to let her sleep that we didn’t care or even remember whose idea it was.

Comment by e

When Jarrett was wee three and Samantha was only slightly wee-er (20 months) and Ky a newborn, we had literally not had a full night sleep in 3 dang years. So, we went to see the infamous, the one and only Dr. Marc Weissbluth, of “Healthy Sleep Habits, Healthy Child” fame. He became our pediatrician, because of his warmth and humor, and because in 4 weeks we had all three of them sleeping through the night, in their own beds, and once again became sane people. It was a brutal beginning, because there’s a lot of self soothing in the first week, but it really was only that way because we let it go too long- Marc’s A-#1 rule as I recall is no “Junk sleep”- no sleeping in car seats, in grocery store carts, in noisy places. Really try to get le bebe full quality REM, a regular schedule, and you’ll be well rewarded.

Sleep is also for you… so you too can be a lovely parent, lucid lively creator, luscious lascivious partner…sleep no matter what. More important than food!

Assuming baby has no physical need, or deep fear, there’s no lasting trauma for a difficult night.. before it becomes a throw down at 15 months, standing at the edge of the crib at 2:30 in the morning: Ma? Mewk. Ma? MEWK. MAMAMAMAMAMAAMAAAA. MEWK MEWK MEWK NOW! (enter parent) Baby smiles, grows quiet. HAHAHAHA. HAHAHA. MAMAMAMA. Sounds cute, but it’s not really when it’s night #700.

Love you!

Comment by Xtine

Hi! I am new to your blog (found it through Mia’s, and I think you found mine?). I have been posting about sleeping stuff, and I just wanted to empathize; it’s very difficult when you don’t agree, not just with your partner but in my case, we’ve gotten grief from our own parents about some of our strategies. I could comment at such length about this that I’d take up your entire blog, so I will restrain myself and just say that I know how tough and how sensitive these sleep issues are. Since we have sometimes tried a modified crying method with our child, I can only say that I would have probably found it impossible to do if my partner had not agreed and helped. I don’t think I could have endured listening to our daughter cry for periods of time without his support. So, I guess I think it’s important (in my case it was, anyway) to try to come to some agreement and then be able to act in concert with one another–whether you decide to allow for some crying or not (I am not trying to push what I tried because I know it’s not for everyone). I hope this works out well!

Comment by Sarah

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